Thinking about getting engaged? Look past the calendar

No number of months can tell you that you’re ready. In a 2018 YouGov poll, half of Americans picked somewhere between one and three years, and only 2% said under six months.1 That’s opinion about an ideal, not evidence. Research on couples points somewhere else: whether you chose this step on purpose.

Does more time together mean you’re more ready?

Time helps only if you use it: more chances to see how someone handles conflict, stress and boredom.

Psychologists Jesse Owen, Galena Rhoades and Scott Stanley looked at what they call “sliding versus deciding.”2 Sliding is drifting into the next step because it’s what comes next. Deciding is talking it through and choosing it on purpose. In their study of 252 people, those who made relationship decisions more thoughtfully reported more dedication, more satisfaction and fewer romantic or sexual involvements outside the relationship, whether they were dating, living together or married.2

The idea grew out of earlier work by Stanley, Rhoades and Howard Markman on how couples can slide into living together through inertia rather than a clear choice.3 In a follow-up, people who moved in together before getting engaged tended to report poorer marriages than those who waited until after an engagement. That’s a link, not proof that moving in early causes problems.4

So the better question isn’t “Has it been long enough?” It’s “Have we actually decided this?”

What should you know before you get engaged?

Dana and Marcus got engaged after ten months. Their friends were surprised, but the two of them had already been through a parent’s surgery, a layoff, and a long fight about whether to live in his city or hers. Ten months, but a lot of real life.

Compare that with a couple four years in who’ve never talked about kids because it felt too heavy. Plenty of time, very little information.

If you’re not sure whether you’re compatible or just very attached, our piece on compatible or just in love is a good gut check. And if you’re still sorting out the earlier stage, start with deciding to be exclusive.

What if one of us wants to move faster?

Different speeds are normal. Rushing to keep up with someone else’s pace is a kind of sliding. So is waiting forever to avoid a hard talk.

Try naming what’s actually behind it. “I want to know we’re heading somewhere” is a different conversation from “I’d like us to set a date for that conversation.” Both are fair. They just call for different answers.

The honest limits

• The YouGov numbers are what people think is ideal, not what leads to happier marriages.1
• The sliding-versus-deciding study shows a link between thoughtful decisions and better relationships. It can’t prove one causes the other, and it didn’t look only at people in their 30s.2
• The cohabitation studies show links between how couples move in and how their marriages go, not cause and effect.34
• Dana and Marcus are made up for illustration, not real people.