Partner always on their phone? What it's really costing

If your partner is always on their phone, you’re not being dramatic for minding. Researchers call it “phubbing” (phone snubbing), and studies link it to lower relationship satisfaction. The link mostly runs through the arguments it sparks and the sense of being passed over, though, not the screen time itself. So the fix is usually a specific agreement, not a lecture about addiction.

What the studies found

In a 2016 study, marketing researchers James Roberts and Meredith David built a nine-item scale for partner phubbing. Items included keeping the phone in hand while together and checking it during lulls in conversation. They then surveyed 145 adults in relationships. People who reported more phubbing were less satisfied with their relationships, and that link ran largely through conflict over phone use. People higher in anxious attachment reported more of that conflict.1

A separate 2016 study by Brandon McDaniel and Sarah Coyne asked 143 married or cohabiting women about “technoference”, meaning technology interrupting couple time. More interference went with more conflict about technology and lower relationship satisfaction. It also went with more depressive symptoms and lower life satisfaction.2

Both are surveys taken at one point in time. They show that phubbing and unhappiness travel together. They can’t show which comes first. Someone who’s already checked out of a relationship may also reach for the phone more.

Why it stings

Couples therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw argues the phone isn’t the real problem. Repeatedly turning away from a partner when they reach for you is. She points to John Gottman’s research, in which couples who stayed happy turned toward each other’s small bids for connection 86% of the time.3 A phone is just a very efficient way of missing those bids.

That framing is useful because it makes the problem fixable. Your partner doesn’t have to give up their phone. They need to notice when you’re reaching for them. Earnshaw even suggests making bids while you’re both on your phones, like sharing what you’re reading, rather than treating every screen as a wall.3

How to bring it up

Assume thoughtlessness, not contempt. In a 2023 study of 712 married people, summarised by Wendy Patrick, most people saw a partner’s phubbing as bad manners rather than a deliberate snub. Couples’ communication skills appeared to shape how much it hurt the marriage.4 Opening with “you don’t care” puts your partner on the defensive. “I miss you at dinner” doesn’t.

Bring examples, not a verdict. “You’re always on your phone” invites a debate about the word always. Two specific moments from this week are harder to argue with.

Own your half. In a 2024 Reviews.org survey cited by AARP, about two in five Americans said they feel addicted to their phones. Millennials averaged just over six hours of screen time a day.5 Odds are you both have a habit. Proposing a rule that binds you both lands better than one that only binds them.

Start with one window. Phones away for dinner, or for the first half hour in bed. One rule kept for a month does more than five rules dropped in a week.

If the conversation turns into a pattern where you chase and they withdraw, why your partner seems distant may be the more useful read. For the wording itself, our guide to asking for what you need without pushing your partner away has more scripts.

Where the research runs out

• Small, mostly self-reported samples. The two core studies had 145 and 143 participants, and both relied on people’s own reports.
• No clear direction. Phubbing may erode a relationship, or unhappy partners may scroll more. Probably some of both.
• No tested fix. The advice to agree on phone-free time comes from therapists and common sense, not from trials.