Getting back together with an ex: when a second try makes sense

Sometimes it works. The second try tends to have a better shot when you can name what broke, see real evidence that it has changed, and you’re not on your third or fourth round. Research on on-again, off-again couples finds the cycle itself can add stress, so how many times you’ve done this matters as much as how much you miss them.

This is common

If you’re thinking about it, you’re not unusual. In a study of nearly 800 young adults who were dating or living together, almost half had broken up and gotten back together with someone.3 More than half of those who broke up kept sleeping with the ex.3 That sample was younger than most readers here, but the pull is familiar at any age.

Why people go back

Communication researcher René Dailey and colleagues surveyed 274 people who had been in an on-again, off-again relationship.1 Lingering feelings were a main reason for getting back together.1 A few other things went with a higher chance of reuniting:1

• feeling unsure what the breakup really meant
• not dating anyone else in between
• believing the time apart had improved things

That last one deserves a closer look. Sometimes the break really does fix something. Other times it just makes the good parts look brighter.

What the back-and-forth costs

A 2025 paper pulled together four samples of couples.2 People in cycling relationships reported more relationship stress and more psychological symptoms than people who hadn’t cycled.2 The more breakups and reunions, the more stress people reported.2 The authors suggest cycling may work like a chronic stressor.2

These are links, not proof that cycling causes the stress. People who keep breaking up may already have more conflict. Either way, round four usually isn’t more peaceful than round one.

Questions to ask first

Psychologist Gary Lewandowski, writing for Psychology Today, suggests a short list before reuniting.4 What caused the breakup, and how much of it is still there? What evidence do you have that they’ve changed, beyond what they say? What has changed in you? How honest are your conversations now? And what would you tell a friend in your position?4

Consider Priya and Dev, both 33. They split over Dev’s refusal to talk about moving in together. Eight months later he reached out. Priya didn’t answer the question of whether she missed him. She asked whether he’d thought about the living situation. He had, and he’d started looking at apartments in her neighborhood. That’s evidence. They’re a made-up couple, but that difference between a promise and a change is the one that matters.

If the old relationship keeps pulling at you, why can’t I move on after a long relationship? may help you sort out what you’re missing. And if you suspect it’s the same type of person each time, try why you keep choosing the same kind of person.

What these studies leave out

All three studies rely on people’s own reports, and much of the data comes from young adults. The research can show who tends to reunite and how cycling couples feel, but it can’t predict whether your relationship will work the second time. That part depends on what’s actually different now.